Turn your anger into peace

After what happened in the Oval Office on Friday, there’s one thing that I've noticed and feel very heavy about in the responses I've seen, heard and read.

It’s anger - so much anger everywhere.

Don't get me wrong, I have myself struggled with feeling angry over the years -  at times turning into cynicism, bitterness, a sense of hopelessness, powerlessness or incensed outrage.

One thing I’ve learnt is to recognise that my anger is connected with my own needs not being met, rather than being someone else’s fault.

Once I can open my mind and my heart to this, here’s what I realise:

If I tell myself I feel angry because of someone else (eg he/she made me angry ..)  I end up judging that person, wanting to blame or punish them, get revenge, retaliate or wanting them to get their come-uppance, get a taste of their own medicine … and so on.

All these ways of dealing with my anger are what can be considered as violent ways of communicating to deal with my feelings.

Do you see an irony here?  If I look in the mirror, the punishment, judgement or blame I might be placing onto others  - is in some cases exactly what I'm feeling angry about in the first place when I see other people expressing themselves that way towards me!

• If we want a less angry world …

• If we want relationships - whether it be between two world leaders in a room together, or two countries disagreeing about resources, about land, about minerals, about the safety of people

• Or if you have an interpersonal relationship where you just can't find a way of agreeing with somebody

… and you're feeling angry … here’s something I’ve found it useful to consider:

How can I avoid becoming part of the judgmental, blamey, punishment-oriented pattern?  This pattern as a society is getting us where we are, and if we're not careful could us lead into World War III. 

So what can I or any of us do?

What I'm learning to do is:

1.     when I feel angry, paying more attention to my own instinct to blame, judge, evaluate, criticise, seek vengeance or punishment - all of which are very human, and yet so much a part of the problem

2.     instead of blaming my anger on someone else, using the guidance of the late Marshall Rosenberg to consider that I'm angry because I need something that matters to me – and my anger is a sign that my need is possibly unmet.

 So, when I see what happened in the Oval Office, I felt angry because I need something. I wonder what I need? Perhaps I need ..

o   reassurance that we're going to be safe
o   hope that this is not the way the world's going to go
o   honesty about what the possible future might hold
o   trust in the people who are making strategic decisions which will affect us all
o   a sense of security
o   to dream that my children might have a safe future and not be killed in combat

 As deep, natural needs in me as a human being, my feeling of anger is rooted in these needs being unmet, challenged or threatened – and the fear that goes with all of that.

Once I can recognise this as the root of my anger, I can start to work out how to express my anger without judging, criticising, harming, wanting to punish – without violence in what I say or do. And I can start to have conversations about my needs, my feelings - and yours - then choose my words and actions with these in mind.

In the Oval Office on Friday, the anger in the room was palpable, and verbally, it was being expressed very violently in some cases. I’m curious to consider how that conversation might have been different, how the heat could have been taken out of that situation, how they could have connected at a level of human feelings and needs - and how perhaps the outcome might have been different.

This is no magic wand. I'm not under any illusions: this is a long way from the norm of how we typically conduct “diplomacy” and political negotiations.

But if we are to avoid further conflict, we can't carry on like this. We cannot carry on with the vitriolic, bitter, angry, hatred-fuel communication, which turns into verbal and physical violence.

So, if I want something else for our world, I’m going to notice my anger, and move from “I’m angry because they ..“ to “I’m angry because I’m needing ….”

Being gentler with myself helps me be gentler with others.

I wonder how that might play out on the world stage?