How to avoid being a hypocrite: Walking your Talk in 2025
I’ve been called a hypocrite quite a few times in my life!
I know! Can you believe it? It surely can’t be true! A hypocrite? Who, me? Never! I’m a paragon of virtue! I always do what I say I’ll do! I live my values every hour of every day!
Even with the best of intentions, if I’m in any way human, this is probably wishful thinking!
It’s that time of year when we might be setting ourselves new intentions, promising ourselves we’ll try harder, do better, stop that pesky bad habit, start some wholesome new ones…
And yet! If we’re honest, It’s so much easier to talk the talk than to walk the talk isn’t it?
So, you tell me: am I a hypocrite? I’m bringing a book out in January packed full of practical ways to improve your influence, relationships and culture at work. And yet, in my interactions with other human beings, despite my best intentions, things still sometimes go pear-shaped!
This is the Say-Do-Gap.
Honesty about this is absolutely KEY to improving relationships, influence and culture in the workplace. I’ll explain why in a minute … but first, here’s a mini example of what a hypocrite I can apparently be!
A while ago, I had a meeting with somebody I was considering collaborating with and I noticed that she continually interrupted me. When I pointed this out, she laughed it off, saying it’s just the way she is. I shared my perspective: when she cut over me and talked over me, I felt indignant, because it left me with the impression that what she had to say was more important, or that she didn’t really want to listen. I shared with her my experience that interrupting can sometimes be an unconscious way of trying to exert power and control in a conversation. She didn’t agree with this and didn’t want to talk about it any further. We agreed that we weren’t a good fit for a collaborative project, and that was the right decision for both of us.
I told my family about this experience, and later that week my teenage daughter and I were in the middle of a conversation and she said, “Mum, stop interrupting!” And of course, I denied that I had! I wasn’t even aware of it! But yes, she pointed it out and she held up the mirror for me: even though I hate being interrupted and I try very hard not to interrupt, here I was still doing it!
Because, even with all the great research and advice and even expertise we might have, changing our habitual behaviour really isn’t easy, is it?
What we say we believe in – that’s the easy stuff! Doing what we say we believe in can be really, really hard. Here’s just one example from many dozens I’ve seen in corporate life:
The values stated on the website of a very large government department, running crucial public services across the UK: Respect - Dignity - Commitment to Quality - Compassion - Everyone Counts
On the announcement of a restructure, colleagues working for this department were provided with a form to submit, using a maximum of 250 words on three standard questions, to justify why they shouldn’t be put at risk of redundancy. They were then informed by email as to whether the redundancy process would be affecting them or not. This decision was communicated as an email attachment with the word “DELETED” next to the job roles which were being made redundant.
What were those values again? Respect? Dignity? Commitment to Quality? Compassion? Everyone Counts?
Am I saying there’s no point doing any work on values, at a personal level or in teams and organisations? Am I saying they don’t matter? No.
However…when values are merely good intentions, and they’re not evident in day-to-day working practices, they risk doing more harm than good.
Colleagues don’t believe them.
People view them as disingenuous, dishonest, window dressing and misleading PR.
It sends a signal that saying one thing and doing another is fine.
It also sends an even stronger message that whatever we say, it’s not actually really what we mean.
It’s a harmful, slippery slope towards a culture where trust and trustworthiness are absent.
However much engagement work you do to develop shared, agreed values, just coming up with them and publishing them is pretty much a waste of time on its own.
So, what’s a more meaningful way to approach values at work? The key is being honest that the chances are - dissonance will emerge between what you say and what you do. It’s human for this to happen!
And the big problems come when we’re too scared, proud or ashamed to be honest about our Say-Do -Gap.
By all means, set some new intentions and work towards embedding them into your everyday behaviour – individually and as a team or whole organisation.
But EXPECT a Say-Do-Gap to appear!
Expect it, admit it, be open to it, own it and keep paying attention to it so that you can consciously keep closing that gap.
Prepare and agree with your colleagues how you’ll look out and spot the Say-Do-Gaps when they appear. How will you help each other remain alert to them? What conversations will you have about them? In the meeting we’ve just had or the decision we’ve just made, where were my values evident? Where specifically did I find myself drifting into practising something different from what I preach?
Many teams and leaders are terrified to acknowledge that their well-meaning values aren’t necessarily evident in practice. Yet, when you honestly acknowledge this, it’s transformational. And it’s a hugely courageous way to lead.
In my work coaching an executive team, we reached a point which many leadership teams never get to. They were ready to accept my invitation to acknowledge how difficult they found it to put their espoused values into action on a consistent basis.
We spent time naming the gap they noticed in themselves between what they said they valued and what they typically did in practice. Here’s some of what our conversation revealed:
Does any of this sound at all familiar?
With this team, the work we went on to do took this conversation out from behind closed doors, opening up a dialogue with their wider teams so that they can keep noticing and trying to close the Say-Do Gap.
This team’s willingness to acknowledge, own and openly discuss their Say-Do Gap is key to their ongoing work to model and embed a healthier, more innovative culture. They’re not pretending to be Perfection Personified. They’re not blaming external factors for their own choices. They’re being open and humble that Walking the Talk can be really hard, especially when the pressure is on (which is pretty much always). It models humility and a desire and determination to Walk the Talk more effectively. And to keep learning. And this creates a norm for colleagues to do this, too.
Yes, it can be very uncomfortable to acknowledge my own Say-Do Gap. Yet when I do and when you do – it transforms the conversation and the progress we can make together. The leaders and teams who look their Say-Do Gap in the eye and have the courage to own it and work on it, have the best chance of modelling and embedding a culture where their values and intentions in words meaningfully translate into practice.
So, here’s something practical to try: N.A.M.E it.
N is for Notice it: Write down the values you espouse as an individual at work. Notice where each one was most recently evident in the way you do your work.
A is for Ask Yourself: With each of your espoused values on your list, how consistently are you modelling each one in your everyday decisions and actions? Where might each of them potentially seem incongruent or dissonant through the eyes of other people? Where can you identify a Say-Do Gap, where you’re perhaps behaving in ways which don’t align with what you say matters to you? How do you feel when you admit to yourself that maybe your values aren’t always apparent in your approach?
M is for Mini Experiment: Share with someone you trust where you have noticed a Say-Do Gap in the way you do your work or interact with colleagues. Be curious with them about whether they recognise a dissonance in your behaviour, and if so, what impact this has, from their perspective. Be gentle and honest with yourself at the same time. Gentle, because it won’t help to give yourself a hard time for not being perfect. And honest because that’s what you’ll need if you want to continuously embed more “Walking the Talk” into your approach.
E is for Embed: Whilst working on closing your own Say-Do Gap, this is also an opportunity to share with colleagues what you have discovered and how you are trying to be more consistently congruent putting your values into action. Finding the courage to acknowledge this and opening up a conversation about it can pave the way and embolden other people to own the part they might also play in a Say-Do Gap at a team or wider level.
If your team or organisation has a published or corporate set of values, to what extent are these evident and visible in everyday interactions? Where is there dissonance, and what conversations could you encourage with colleagues to explore why this is happening, and experiment jointly to reduce the dissonance?
So, as you consider your new intentions for a new year, am I saying it’s fine to be a hypocrite? No, of course not! Calling someone a hypocrite is very unlikely to positively influence them or open them up to change. It is very likely to lead to more fear, shame and embarrassment .. none of which form healthy foundations for effective relationships or culture at work.
Remember that the Say-Do-Gap is utterly human. The difference comes from how you deal with the gap.
Expect it, admit it, be open to it, own it and keep paying attention to it so that you can consciously keep closing yours. By doing so, you’ll open a door for others to do so, too.
For a deeper dive into practical ways to improve your relationships, influence and culture at work:
find heaps of practical resources in my book - The Culture Trap
Happy New Year and I’ll look forward to being in touch again soon.